He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
