Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
