I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
