I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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