My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
