I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
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Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
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This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I need to calm my uterus...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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