You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I can't put those talents on a resume
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
