I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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