I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
