she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
