i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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