Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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