Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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