do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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