He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
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"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
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