She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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