Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
