Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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