tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
