Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
