I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
