Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
