If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
