Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
