He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
