Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
