Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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