i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
