my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
