Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
