...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
