i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
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