i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
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