At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
