I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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