I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
