When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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