I wish I could teleport
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I am spending my child support on dildos
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
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I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
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There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Never joke about your clitoris.
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