Got a toothbrush?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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