i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
