Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
