He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize