I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
The ass gains better be worth it
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