woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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