Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
