woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
