pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
