she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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