Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
