Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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