You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
