I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
