so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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