he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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